Sometimes I wonder.. Just like that stupid song for quite some time back..

"It can't be wrong, when it feels so right..."

I pause for awhile because my heart right there tells me something different.. And I catch myself and fine myself recalling to mind the verse in Jeremiah..

"But the heart is deceitful above all things AND BEYOND.. Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9)

And it sinks in deep at that moment that, gosh.. my heart makes me feel all sorts of stuff, and sometimes, it just downright doesn't jive with what I know to be true..

My mind starts to reason that, it really can't be helped.. How do u control how ur heart feels? And beyond a shadow of a doubt, it is true.. It IS hard.. And another verse was brought to mind.. "Don't conform.. But, be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of ur mind.." (Romans 12:2)

And THAT would be the key to maybe keeping all these craziness from infecting ur soul.. Being transformed by the renewing of ur mind..

So help me God.. Cos I can't do this on my own.. I need U.. More than anything in this world, it is U that I need..

When my heart starts to take control, dear Lord, be the One in control..

It hurts tonight.. I don't think I've been rocked this hard in awhile.. I can't keep my eyes from tearing up.. Swallowing it down tonight seems to be an almost impossible task.. There is no one tonight.. To have to push it under the rug seems.. *shrug* Too bad internet borders are still only virtual.. If only escape was an option.. Maybe it's true that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.. Hanging in there tonight.. Maybe the morning will be better..

Adrift..
Looking to the skies..
Direction..
Support..
Assurance..
Love..

Someone tweeted this link this morning.. (http://godspace.wordpress.com/2010/01/19/prayer-for-the-suffering-in-haiti/)
It helped me pray.. i could only manage, "God, help them".. I couldn't do anymore cos i didn't know what else to say..
A prayer unlike our usual style.. it was strangely peaceful.. well, if u're like me n have run out of words to pray at times.. u can always pray someone else's prayer.. i did..

Merciful God
Compassionate Christ
Transforming Spirit
Have mercy on all those who suffer
Protect the weak and the vulnerable
Provide for the homeless and the destitute
Comfort the grieving and the dying
Have mercy on all who are helping
God who loves
Christ who cares
Spirit who comforts
Grant peace to the people of Haiti.
—————————————————————-
God grieve with us
Christ grieve in us
Spirit grieve through us
Embrace and comfort all who suffer
God care with us
Christ care in us
Spirit care through us
Heal and renew through our hearts and hands
God love with us
Christ love in us
Spirit love through us
Transform death into eternal life

I was thinking about Haiti and reading up to see what's going on there and such.. numbers are astounding.. it breaks my heart.. "an estimated 200,000 dead, 250,000 injured and 1.5 million homeless" - from some news report.. The need is so great.. I hope y'all are saving up to give to the relief work over there when we collect missions offering in Feb..

On another note.. I just got back from HELP with the AIM students.. t'was their first run talking to ppl using the survey form and gospel tracts.. half went to PBD, half to KPD.. didn't get too much of a chance to chat with them after cos i had a ton of things running through my mind whilst dropping half of them off at DH and then the half back to DP.. and driving that crazy huge van was painfully strenuous >.< (no power steering >.<)

I was with the group at KPD, and well, i got them started off by talking to someone.. and then after that, i was just hanging around with the students and stuff while making sure the AIM kids were alrite doing their surveys.. Ppl didn't really mind doing the surveys, but.. when it came to the part where we talked to them about God.. it was painfully obvious that most of them, i would like to say 100% aren't interested in anything remotely close to Jesus and all.. Spirituality is the probably the last thing on their minds..

Lost yet ignorant.. when u're young, and ur life's ahead of u, with bright choices.. who needs God, who needs "religion" per se.. All i want is a good education, a good job, a hot spouse, and have tons of fun getting there.. There IS no need for God then.. This is MY life.. I don't care..

I am burning my brains out wondering how on earth do we reach out to young people like that.. Do we pray for a great tragedy in their life so that they will then start looking for God? Do we just bombard ppl with the message of Christ and then, hand it to them.. "Nah! Ur choice.." Or, do we ask God for signs and wonders and do some travelling "miracle healing" show and wow ppl with that so that they might believe? >.<

Does ur heart ache that ppl are lost? Does it burn with a fire to show them the truth? Do ur eyes brim with tears when u pray for the lost?
I'm wondering if the AIM students rber the kids that they talked to, and whatever their response was, are they gonna pray for them? I rber the few kids that I spent my time talking to.. Most of it nonsense, standard 18 year old conversations.. First guy: Eugene (been at church all his life, doesn't really care though).. 2nd and 3rd guy: Andrew and Daniel, Andrew-Christian that's been at church, but very opened, etc.. Daniel-Buddhist, I need to do well in life, have fun..

My heart aches for our young people.. haha.. it aches for many things.. I'm praying for a breakthrough in Malaysia..

What about u?? What's ur priority in life these days? Some of u may have been Christians for a long time.. has it come to a point where God seems to matter less and less in ur daily life.. there is no "use" for God.. Our friends do that.. and it's real easy to slip into that.. search ur heart, take a look at ur life.. If God is no longer #1, get back to where u first started again.. come back to the cross.. it's where u find urself, ur purpose in life..

And as u look around.. ask God to help u see through His eyes.. do u feel His love for the lost? Do u feel His heartbeat?

Pray.. we gotta pray.. for this city.. for this nation.. for this generation..

Take care y'all..

I love u..

Theme song running through my head the whole afternoon..

"I wanna be.. where the people are.." (Courtesies of Disney's Little Mermaid and my previous internship, 220i)

The mundane-ness of administrativity has been eating me the whole day >.< my heart longs to be out there.. doing something.. there are, a million things to do.. my heart yearns to be interacting with people, young people especially.. and yeah sure, i don't have black and white plans yet.. but the need to do something, anything, gnaws away at me >.<

I wish I had something specific, something strong enough to get me out there.. I'd go anywhere.. I want to go so badly..

I would love to go to India, to Sri Lanka, or, I don't know.. somewhere.. not ignoring the fact that missions has been brought right to my doorstep.. I know.. But, the restrictions and the heed to use common sense, to be practical all feel like walls.. What am I supposed to do here in Malaysia?

Blast the fear away God! Blast away the insecurities, the timidity, the crazy guilt trips that the devil tries to take me on.. I want nothing to do with those.. A new creation, filled with the power of the Holy Ghost..

Oh Lord, show me what my path is please.. of the many that I see, guide me and a sense of Ur assurance..

I only want to do Ur will.. nothing else..

With all my heart, I will serve u.. bringing ur light to the hearts of the darkened..

Don't think I can term it homesick-ness cos it was a mere 6 months of my life.. Never did I ever think of how much it would have impacted me..

In a foreign place, I found safety, comfort and growth.. Family among strangers..

I long to be back, if only for awhile even.. it annoys me that it invades my dreams more often than not.. wakes me up with a longing heart..

The stars were out last night, twinkling so brightly.. As I gazed up there with some of my young people, I remember many evenings staring up into the sky, shivering in the cold, searching the iPhone for the constellations and stars.. Arguing about the Betelgeuse, and I'm still sure I was right.. lol!! I remember grabbing my laptop and running out to the carpark of the COH and staring up at the sky and just being so in awe.. googling the constellation maps and then tracing them in the sky..

Last night staring up at Orion's and the other twinkling stars in the clear night sky brought a sense of comfort.. that we're underneath the same sky.. Strange, but comforting..

Christmas is different here and there.. and though I'm home.. I miss the way Christmas is celebrated over there.. just great chill-out time with the fam and all..

I'm alright.. just feels like it's a million miles away this Christmas.. but, same sky, same stars.. Same God.. He knows.. It's alright :)

To feel or not to feel.. What to feel, and what not to feel..

It’s not to compete.. But to complete..

The journey looks really long at this distance, but maybe I’m looking at the wrong thing..

It just stings at times..

But I’d really like to know what to do about what I feel..

Delve fully into it.. Or, shove it under the rug..

At this point, all I can and know to do..

Is to hand it to You.. Deal with me as You wish dear Lord..

You are..

Build me an altar in this place.. I’ll send My rain..

Build me an altar with your hearts.. I'll send the fire..

-Jonathan Stockstill

Should be a short one.. :) we'll see..

Was out with Belle last week.. so we went to this place in Jaya One.. food wasn't bad.. I ordered a chicken chop and a Goo Leng Ping Soda.. And she had the rice with chicken chop, and i can't rber what drink she had.. haha..

Anyhow.. when our drinks came, i tried mine, and i didn't taste the soda in the goo leng ping.. so, i got a guy to come, and here goes..

Me: Hi, sorry, excuse me.. I ordered a Goo Leng Ping soda and this doesn't have soda in there..
Dude: Err.. Sori, saya cakap Bahasa Melayu, boleh cakap Bahasa Melayu tak?
Me: ohh.. okay.. Saya order Goo Leng Ping soda, this one don't have soda..
Dude: ohhh.. okay.. I check..

.....

After he left.. i couldn't for the life of me stop laughing for a bit..

>.<

Go figure..

As u get along in life, different seasons come along, different phases of life we go through.. Each one different.. with different demands.. U grow up, u make decisions that bring u into ur next phase..

And as u enter each phase, u learn the ropes, sometimes it's a struggle, sometimes, it comes just real easy.. but u adjust, u learn, u adapt.. and how u do all that, shapes the course of this next phase of ur life..

Learning the ropes is not easy.. Hasn't been easy.. Coping was basically all I could do, decisions were even harder to make, not knowing how to form priorities at this stage in life.. some things slipped, some things which i deemed important for survival or success took main stage..

I did good in some, and not so good in some, and sometimes, just downright failures.. And as time goes by, I learnt.. how to look at things in the bigger picture, how to step back, how to push, how to cope.. And in learning, figure out my priorities in life.. Different things have taken different rungs in the ladder.. Re-arrangement..

It may not be perfect, and I'm quite sure it isn't, but as far as I can see or think through.. It's the best I can do now.. I do not wish for a brighter star to be on.. I am far from perfect, and I will make wrong decisions and mess up.. But, a certain assurance is the ground on which I walk on.. I learn.. I learn all the time.. I never wanna stop..

I can't change the things that have happened, but I can shape what tomorrow brings.. I am content to be where I am.. I know this is where I'm supposed to be at this moment in my life.. I have peace..

Thank u God..

There is a light that shines within me
There is a hope that burns inside me
Deep within my soul, my very existence
There is a being waiting to be freed

A child who knows no fear, pain, or rejection
There is an emotion all encompassing
Of excitement, joyfulness, gladness, and love

The creative potential of laughter
And the undeniable power of an infant's joy lives inside me
Unmeasurable are my limits for I call you Father
Unimaginable my potential for You have called me son

There is someone inside of me waiting to be unleashed
Whom You embraced
Whom I long to be

There is an all-consuming fire
A light that permeates from my very being
You have unlocked me God
The doors You opened no man can shut

I will praise You for all my days for You are good
You have released me God with Your love
You are everything

Ian McIntosh - Adoration

"Unmeasurable are my limits for I call you Father.. Unimaginable my potential for You have called me son.."
This resonates deep inside of me.. it jives.. it's crazy.. but it makes sense.. and it's so true..